State of Mind Vs. Reality

LucyAdams99

I’ve heard that age is a state of mind, and for the most part, that’s been true for me.  As I have ‘matured,’ I haven’t felt old – at least not mentally.  Even in my forties I still felt quite young.  And through my forties and fifties, I’ve mentally yo-yoed through time.  Sometimes I’ve felt like an insecure teenager (which lately seems to happen more often than not).  Other times I’ve felt like an optimistic and energetic twenty-something.

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But, mostly, I’ve felt as if I were still in my thirties, when I was most sure of myself, I guess; I was at my peak, and mentally, I’ve never really left it.  But there are some things that shake it all up, and make me feel old.

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One of those things is seeing one of my own children in their thirties!  How can my kids be the same age as me?!?  As a result, I’ve come to dread their birthdays more than my own.  And I can’t help but ‘see‘ my children as still in their teens or early twenties.

Another thing that makes me feel old is seeing myself unadulterated in the mirror, before putting on my makeup, with all the blotches and lines than can’t truly be camouflaged.

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I’ve never been attractive, but now my face has become a work of art – specifically, Dali’s Melting Clocks.   In the past several years, I’ve witnessed my face slowly begin to melt downward as it lost muscle mass and volume, creating gaunt cheeks and the beginnings of droopy jowls.  And the rest of my body has that same Dali quality – with a touch of Ruben around my midsection and rear end.  At this rate I’ll soon be positively priceless!  Now, if I could only find myself an art lover…

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But probably what makes me feel really old is how invisible I’ve become, especially to men, as their eyes gravitate towards the twenty-something girls.

It’s depressing how society reacts as women age and lose their youth and attractiveness.  It’s like we have to be ashamed for something that is not our fault.  Something that is the natural result of aging and loss of estrogen.  We become androgynous non-entities.

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And as we women lament the loss of our youth and looks, we also tend to accumulate a  bunch of useless platitudes to make ourselves feel better.  Here’s one of them: true beauty comes from within.  The problem, as we all know, is that men can’t handle the truth.  Why take the time and effort to find and appreciate that so-called ‘true beauty’ in older women, when there is so much instant gratification available to them from attractive young women?

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So, no matter how young I feel, whether in my teens, twenties, or thirties, reality is always there to knock me on my butt.  But I’ll keep getting back up.  I guess the key to maintaining that youthful feel is to avoid men and mirrors.  And pretend your kids are your younger siblings. :)

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Menopause Board Game – Revised

LucyAdams99Well, here it is – ta-da – the revised menopause game!  I’ve made lots of additions and changes that I hope you all like; I’ve managed to find enough pictures to fill in all the empty board spaces and I think it looks so much better.  I want to thank all of you who have contributed suggestions, they were greatly appreciated.  If any of you have any more suggestions, feel free to let me know.

I think the layout is full-size, so if any of you want to print out the rows and tape/glue them onto an old Monopoly board, you probably can play with it.  I had lots of fun making this and I hope you enjoy it, too.  :)

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Menopause Board Game - REVISED

 

When February Met Waffles

LucyAdams99February, phew, what a month! What was I thinking? It all started when I thought I’d treat myself on Valentine’s Day – not with roses, chocolates, or a candlelit dinner, but with waffles. Why waffles? Because everyone wants love on Valentine’s Day, and for me, love is warm waffles, with all the holes filled in with trans-fatty margarine, and the whole thing drowning in sugary syrup. Mmmmm, pure ecstasy. Better than sex.

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Since it had been something like 10-15 years since I last ate waffles, I figured I had denied myself far too long; all those years ago, I had forced myself to stop eating this heavenly treat because they were sooooo fattening. And since I had other treats to turn to at the time, it wasn’t too hard to give up.

But, after eons of avoiding waffles – and Valentine’s Day – this year I decided I was going to thoroughly indulge myself. After all, who was I saving my waistline for? Oh, so delicious! Happy, happy serotonin levels! Mmmmm, more, more, more! That was the problem. I ended up indulging every day after that – inhaling about 4-5 waffles a day (I managed to eke out a little will-power) – for the next two weeks.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I also started adding other artery-clogging items to my diet like sausage, mayo and more butter; it was as if waffles became the gateway drug to worse things. I also made a huge pot of pasta salad (something else I hadn’t had in a long time) – extra heavy on the mayo.

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It wasn’t long after I had finished eating up all that pasta salad, that problems began. I awoke at 4:30 in the morning having trouble breathing, and it wasn’t asthma. A couple of hours later my left arm was tingling, and it continued to tingle, on and off, the rest of the day. Um, wait, aren’t these symptoms of something bad – like a heart attack or stroke?

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The next day, the tingling finally stopped, but my heart started to do these little shudders, or stutters, for a few seconds at a time. And this happened every few hours. Uh-oh. I guess I became a little worried. Maybe I had pushed my dietary luck just a bit too far.

Then, wouldn’t you know it, I began feeling this somewhat persistent pressure in my chest. The,n little stabbing chest pains. Now, maybe I was a little anxious (picture Fred Sanford clutching his chest and hollering,I’m comin’ to join ya, Elizabeth”). OK, definitely time to cut out the waffles, etc., cold turkey.

Well, it’s been several days now and I’m still alive, so I guess I was just being a hypochondriac, silly me – although I still periodically feel some pressure and/or chest pains.

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I guess it has, at least, motivated me to cut out all that junk and to eat a little bit better, though. At least for now. It’s really hard to stick to. I am really struggling with cravings for more waffles – and other fattening foods. Anyway…

*sigh* No more waffles, no more happy serotonin. To make make matters worse, my jeans are so tight, I can’t even button them anymore.

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And all this extra weight has totally exacerbated my hot flashes, and that’s the last thing I need. I guess I’m never too old to do something stupid. So, that was my Valentine’s celebration. My last one. Lesson learned(?).

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Ringing In The Old (Y)Ear

A Nony GirlShhhh. Listen. Can you hear that? Surely you can. Please tell me it’s not all in my head. Tell me I’m not going crazy.

But, unfortunately, it is all in my head. And I don’t think it’s going to go away any time soon.

0.   77I have a constant ringing in my ears. I first noticed it several years ago, however, it wasn’t all that penetrating then – practically a whisper. But the sound level steadily increased, and then, became markedly pronounced last year for some reason; it’s noticeable even with the TV on. And, OMG, is it ever loud when everything else is quiet, like when I’m in bed – and covering my ears doesn’t block it out.

At times, it interferes with my sleep – only to compete with the neighbor’s dog that barks half the night – all making me quite tired in the mornings. Which leaves me feeling just a wee bit cranky sometimes. Just another sign of aging, I guess.

0.    3It must have been all those decades of noise, starting with disco in the 70′s. Unlike other teenagers, I wasn’t fond of ear-splitting ‘music.’ Those extreme decibels really bothered me, but I certainly wasn’t going to stay home just to avoid it – that would have been a real bummer, after all, girls just wanna have fun – which happened to be anywhere the boys were.

.Let’s see… then there were hair dryers, vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, chain saws, and a variety of power tools over the years. Yup, I did it to myself, and now I’m paying for it.   If only I had done a lot less vacuuming…

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0.   110.  12So, now I’ve got this inescapable, constant, annoying, ringing in my ears.  (*sigh*) Actually it’s more of a high-pitched electronic whine or hum, rather than a ‘ringing’ – like from those TV test patterns.

Oftentimes, the ringing in my ears reminds me of a certain song: ‘Wichita Lineman‘ by Glen Campbell, who then starts crooning in my head:

I hear you singin’ in the wire
I can hear you through the whine
And the Wichita Lineman is still on the l-i-i-i-i-i-ine

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I don’t know why, but it’s a soothing diversion; just my brain trying to make the best of a bad situation, I guess. It’s certainly better than, when at other times, the ringing triggers memories of the intro to the old ‘Outer Limits’ TV show: ‘There is nothing wrong with your television set,’ etc. Geez, that TV test pattern sound was annoying!

But back to more pleasant distractions: ‘ I hear you singin’ in the wire…’

And even though the season has passed, another comforting song occasionally pops into my head for relief: the Christmas song ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’ :

0.   135Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear?

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Aaaah, so much better to have loud ringing countered by pleasant music.  So it’s not all bad – yet.   Fingers crossed. Now if I could only find some small relief from that dog’s constant barking…

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'You have schizophrenic tinnitus. You only think you can hear ringing in your ears.'.

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You Look …Mah-velous?

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With another birthday approaching, I can’t help but take a critical assessment of myself in the mirror. Like anyone else, I want to see if I really look any older. Hmmmmm… not really? Well, you see the problem.

So as my eyesight (and my mind) diminishes, I find that I have to be very careful. For instance, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see any wrinkles. Now, I’m about to turn 56 years old, and there is no way that I don’t have wrinkles, but because my eyesight is a wee bit fuzzy, I can’t see some of my flaws.  Yeah, read between the lines on that one.

00.2Anyway, the cautionary tale here is that because I see no wrinkles, I can easily delude myself into thinking that I am still quite young-looking – I could convince myself to wear clothes that are totally inappropriate and laughable for a woman my age! On top of that, I just might trowel on too much makeup.  And that would not be a pretty sight.

facialOf course, my vision isn’t so bad that I don’t notice some highly visible age spots on my face. And when I try to camouflage them with foundation makeup – or concealer – it never does a very good job.  But worse than that, it seems that darn foundation accentuates every single fine line (AKA wrinkles) across my face – especially when I smile!

Well, maybe I need a little help when applying my makeup; I certainly don’t want to look like some decrepit clown.  So I searched high and low, and finally found my old ‘hot pink’ magnifying makeup mirror that I used to use waaaaaay back in the Seventies (which I thought I’d never need again once my zits cleared up!).  That was a bad mistake.

00.5OMG! There are hundreds of those so-called fine lines stretching from ear to ear!  And even more blotches and blemishes than I ever noticed before (what was I thinking getting that damn mirror out?)!

So it seems I have two choices: never smile again, or go without the mediocre foundation. Unfortunately, I have been programmed from a very young age to smile when meeting people, so I guess the foundation has to go. But now every blemish – age spots, uneven skin tone, etc – stands out!  OK, learn not to smile.  Aaargh! What is a middle-aged menopausal girl to do?!?

Here’s a thought – accept it. I am getting old.  Right.  But you know how it is – you don’t feel old, so you don’t want to look old. *sigh*  Having birthdays to remind you you’re getting old sucks.

Wait …fattening myself up will fill in those wrinkles, won’t it?  Bring on the cake and ice cream!!

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